Have you ever tried Dante-dating?

Let’s be clear about this. I’m talking about Dante-dating, not dating Dante. However brilliant the poet was, I have my doubts the average man would have liked him – or that the average woman would have dated him. Yes, he’d write you some beautiful sonnets, he’d even make you famous for 700 years (and counting), but whether you’d have a good time with him on a date, I’m not too sure. Beatrice may have missed on a lot because of her untimely death, but at least she was spared what could only have been the poet’s rollercoaster temperament, the ups of heaven and the downs of hell, seasoned with overdose resentment and a larger-than-life personality. If we can’t imagine Date smiling for a second, there’s a good reason why.

But as I said, I’m not here to talk to you about dating Dante, but about a new form of dating, which I call Dante-dating, following an unsuspecting suggestion from a good friend recently.

Dante-dating is all about confinements, so the time has come for this kind of activity. Under this dispensation, two eager individuals may get together in the underworld for a nice chat. It’s not against the rules, and social distancing may be observed – there’s plenty of space where the light never shines. There are rooms of all shapes and sizes there, and users may choose the level they want to set the date in. This should not be chosen lightly, as it will impact the kind of conversation one is to have with their date: about lust or anger or dishonesty. If there is a place where two people who hardly know each other may broach the subject of cheating and jealousy, then this is it. If you’re looking for a lifetime partner, you’ve come to the right party.

There’s no need for virtual backgrounds in the underground. The conical shape of this dating environment is conducive to a channeling of strong emotions, culminating in all sorts of fascinating syndromes and complexes going all the way down. Nevertheless, there is no risk of judgment, as that needs to be completed before logging in. Everyone’s too busy thinking about their dates in there that they don’t have time to pass judgment on others. It is a safe space complete with triggers and signposts, so you won’t get lost or offended.

The real good thing about Dante-dating is that you can’t get stood up. That’s because the passage of time is impossible to perceive in the underworld. But that’s a bit like life above ground these days, isn’t it?

It’s surprising that Dante-dating hasn’t gone viral yet. The area is hot, humid (on some circles, at least), and there is enough activity to draw the keenest viruses in. But that shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. The terms and conditions of this arrangement make it very clear that once a match has been made in hell, the party moves to the heavens: Why would you want the moon, darling, if we can be there tonight? And for a fee, you may take a detour across the mountain for a hand-in-hand alpine hike to purge whatever you want to purge.

Say yes to Dante-dating! Hell, yeah!